Morgen by Richard Strauss

Every so often a song will come along that completely stuns me. Having looked through some very old singing volumes that belonged to my mother, it was suggested that I should study 'Morgen' by Richard Strauss.

This piece feels like it is holding and manipulating you. When I listen to it, I feel as though something is being held just out of my reach, something that I desperately love and want. Occasionally Strauss lets me imagine having it, only to whisk it away again out of my grasp. There is a forlorn sort of optimism to this song. The singer responds to the gentle dream like melody of the violin by opening with a strong and definite statement: 'And tomorrow the sun will shine again.' She goes on with a sense of optimism, but there's always a longing and a pleading behind the words, hidden in the music.

And tomorrow the sun will shine again
And on the way which I shall follow
She will again unite us lucky ones
As all around us the earth breathes in the sun
Slowly, silently, we will climb down
To the wide beach and the blue waves

When she begins, she interrupts the violin and he stops for a moment to listen to her before playing again. Occasionally he supports her, or echoes her, but sometimes he is playing a different melody. Maybe it's the sad one that she doesn't want to hear. It seems to me that when she reaches the end of this idealistic speech, she gets suddenly swept up in her reverie. The violin notices that she isn't with him anymore and follows her into her dream world. She is so displaced from the reality that she was in. The broken chords have turned to sustained ones, she is almost drifting on clouds of music.

In silence, we will look in each other's eyes
And the mute stillness of happiness will sink upon us

In this section, she lifts the music up step by step, as though willing the sun to rise faster as she watches it. She can clearly see the moment that she will be happy in front of her. She almost trails off, discordant again as she was at the very beginning - although this time it is a peaceful, resolved sort of definite that she inhabits now. Without any resistance, she waits for the dawn while the violin plays.

Weird Dream

Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant. Well, I didn't believe I was pregnant. I thought it was all a horrible mistake and I'd ended up in the maternity wing of a hospital by accident. The midwives were very sweet to me but all I could think was "I'm just fat. This is so embarrassing, why will no one believe me?!"

So I cried and panicked and insisted that there was no baby in there. One of the midwives pulled out an ultrasound machine and showed me the baby's heartbeat. And then I understood why, dispite my exercise and diet efforts, I hadn't lost any weight. There was a CHILD growing in me. When I ran to the bathroom to assimilate the information, I overheard the midwives saying they would have to induce me, and then later I was going to have  C-section. I woke up before I gave birth.

All day I've felt so sad that I'm not pregnant.

A personal blog that no one needs to read.

My new motto is "GET SHIT DONE!!" Just like that, in a shouty voice with exclamation marks.

This blog has been rather sparse of late, owing to my complete incapacity to deal with life, work, body, family AND internet. The whole ensemble was not working out and something just had to give.

Life:
Oh life! What a funny thing you are. Occasionally I think I have things figured out and the path before me seems crystal clear. Then I have a sudden bout of self doubt, financial doubt or confusion and I'm back to where I started. Right now I have arrived back at where I started and where I KEEP arriving: singing.

It's time to get on that road. The singing road. The next 1.5 years are for getting into any possible singing situation that I can, getting back to lessons and applying everywhere imaginable.

Work:
Teaching music. I am inclined to really, really enjoy it. However, it's something I'd like to do alongside singing professionally. So, for now, I'm going to work and save, sacrifice moving out and cut down on using my car, so that I can save enough to go to the UK or wherever I can sing.

Body:
Abridged version: Many pains - much physical therapy - getting better. Tomorrow I'll be starting week 4 of Couch-To-5K and I am absolutely thrilled! I'm still eating too much cake, but that ends tomorrow.

The Very Cusp!

Classy. 

This Christmas has been stupidly decadent. Every single one of my lovely students gave me chocolate and I ate ALL OF THEM. (I shared, don't worry.) It was foolish. And delicious. I also spent a lot of if watching DVDs and meeting friends, recuperating and hopefully getting the coming year's illnesses out of my system. (Wishful thinking.)

Since we hit 2012, I've been on a family trip to Northern Ireland and on a hen weekend. I must say, Miss Estelle (far left) and her friends know how to have a good time. We dressed up in 80s garb and pub crawled in a West Cork village, much to the bemusement of the locals. One of the bars we shimmied into had a 20s theme. That was fun.

A lot of people have been talking about New Year's Resolutions. Bleh.

As much and I have thought and written about it (by hand), I know that nothing is real until tomorrow - the first day back to school!  So it's totally fine that I ate ten Celebrations earlier. And that I've not sung or done any exercise today.

My resolutions are as follows:

1. SING MORE - write and record songs, post them. Singing is the most important thing ever. However, on this, the cusp of the new year, I have a sore throat, so that leads onto...

2. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK - you don't have to be on form all the time. Sing through the bad times, but don't record them. I just recorded myself singing 'My Funny Valentine' with a chest and throat infection. "Why?!" I hear you ask. Guilt. I felt I hadn't done anything singing-constructive in ages so I recorded some songs. Whatever, it's all a learning experience. I can only improve.

3. EXERCISE - every day. Get toned. Good times.

4. BE MORE POSITIVE - stop talking about situations and people in a negative way. Let it all breeze past you unless really need to get it off your chest.


5. LESS INTERNET - limit Facebook and Twitter. I am just the worst person when it comes to frittering time away online. I never get anything done. It must stop.

PRIORITIES

Dear Amy,

You need to sort out your priorities. What have you been spending your 'free' (non-teaching/event organising) time doing for the last, let's say, four months?

a) Cleaning and decorating a house you don't own.
b) Sewing baubles and soft furnishings.
c) Twitter.
d) Going from infection to 'flu to infection.
e) Being involved in a lame-ass T.V. show competition.
or
f) All of the above.

Oh, Amy. You idiot. You don't need to tell you what's missing here, but just in case you really are that dim, I'll spell it out for you.

M.U.S.I.C.

Yes. That thing you'd like to do as a career. That thing you're massively, overwhelmingly passionate about but unbelievably inferior in. Oh dear.

I feel rather strongly that you should get your backside in gear, get back to studying singing and piano and start writing again EVERY DAY. That malaise you've been feeling; that sort of weird gnawing in your stomach and tightness in your chest? That's all the unwritten songs in you, eating away at your soul, trying to get out. That uncomfortable feeling in your brain? Feels a LOT like a sinus infection? That's the Amy of the future calling to you and really super hating you for wasting so much time and not improving yourself.


Here's what I want you to stop doing:

1.i Spending money.

I'm not actually sure where you're going with this, but let me remind you that you're not very wealthy. That trip to Florida you insisted on taking (though I understand why) was incredibly expensive. You don't need to spend any more money. You're cool. It's cool.

1.ii. Neglecting the dog.

THE POOR DOG. The weather was FINE for the last two days, you neglectful asshole. She loves you. That poor dog just wants you to bring her out so she can smell things. This  refers back to number one. Do NOT join a gym - you can't afford it. The dog is your gym.

1.iii So much crafting.

This is a hobby. You enjoy it. You are not going to make any more from it. Maybe take a sabbatical from sewing after Christmas. Use the time to practice for another piano grade, or to get back into researching opera, or even brush up on your baroque counterpoint harmony theory! You do NOT need to spend money on any more fabric, thread, buttons or anything of that nature. Go to the Saturday morning knitting group. Improve your knitting in that weekly slot.

2. Cleaning the house.

Just pick, like, two days where you do one hour. Stop spending your life tidying and cleaning, it's moronic. If you were practicing or writing, you wouldn't make a mess anyway.


Write songs. Record them. Upload them. Play the piano. EASY.

Quite frustrated and definitely hacked off at you.


Amy~*~

Knitmas

MY KNITMAS PRESENT CAME!! Look at it! Isn't it beautiful?! The postman came at EARLY o'clock this morning - I swear I was transported back to being eight years old on Christmas morning. It was so exciting!!

Here is the artily arranged window photo.

A breakdown of the delights.

LOOK AT THESE HARRY POTTER-INSPIRED CHARMS! LOOK AT THE OWL!! They're Gryffindor colours!! In real life they look soooo pretty. I've been informed that they're stitch markers for circular knitting. (*n00b*) They came with a 'coffee candy.'

I'm saving these for the Christmas holidays and I'm not sharing. x

LOOK AT THIS COWL. LOOK AT IT. IT LOOKS LIKE THE SEA WAS KNITTED INTO A WARM NECK ACCESSORY. I love this. I'm wearing it right now.

In the dark (it was early) I thought this was blue but it's actually a gorgeous shade of teal-blue. It's kind of sheeny like a peacock feather - I LOVE IT! I would never buy yarn this nice for myself! It's made of silk and merino. I'm going to have to do some serious research and thinking before I decide what to do with this!! 

THANK YOU, KNITMAS SANTA! x

The Christmas Cake...

... is out of the oven.

(Contains blueberries, strawberries and macadamia nuts, as well as the tradition goodies!)