A Rant About Being 'Old'

There must be different kinds of 'old.' When crawling home from recital at 10pm, dying to fall into bed on a Friday night, I looked around at the people in their 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s who were perfectly happy to be out and about, in bars, in clubs, walking around. All I could think of was Miss Marple and my duvet.

I must be the kind of 'old' that a person can only be born as The kind that must wear earplugs in loud spaces, CANNOT stay up all night and just can't justify spending money on cheap shoes. I know I'm not alone. The fact is that I've surrounded myself with many friends who are exactly the same as me. It's the only way I can feel normal. It's just so difficult to ignore when I'm surrounded by 20-year-olds who eat pastries for lunch and can sit through a three hour recital from 8pm...

None of this is a problem, really. The only thing that worries me - and that has always worried me - is the inordinate amount of trouble I have with my body. You know, whether it's back problems, muscle stiffness, torn cartilage or various viruses and infections, I'm generally crocked. I know people in their 70s who are generally healthier than I am.

It's all starting to feel a little bit futile. You know, as soon as I get going with a good running routine, I become ill, and my progress is hindered. As soon as I get into a good cycling-to-college routine, I barely have enough energy to go to the bathroom, let alone cycle anywhere.

If this is what I'm like in my 20s and teens, what is ahead of me? I'm a fan of positive thinking, it got me to 5K and kept me there for quite a while, but let's be realistic. I'm going to be unwell for the rest of my life. And there does reach a point where you just stop talking about it because you feel that people won't believe you. I have at least one friend who I know doesn't believe me when I talk about what's wrong with me at any given moment, so I just stopped telling her.

Rationally, though, I'm not sure why people would believe me. If you, in your life, feel alright most of the time, I'm not sure how you could understand a seemingly healthy person having all of these random and unrelated problems. Personally, I currently can't imagine what it would be like to feel just totally 'ok.' Not brilliant. Not amazing. Just base-level-fine.

This blog went in a direction I didn't expect it to go...

Horizontal Thinking

I'm in bed. It's WAY past my sleep-time but I'm just being stubborn. I feel like a useless lump because I'm ill so I haven't gone for a walk in.... weeks.

But I wanted to make a few notes:

• I am going to Sweden on Thursday and I have not thought about it AT ALL.
• I wrote and posted three letters today.
• I made 15 pairs of key earrings and three Wizard Rock tote bags.
• I have eaten one proper meal in the last three days. If I have not at least lost 2lbs, I will be most put out. It's the least this illness can do for me, really.
• I don't want to teach drama tomorrow.
• I hate spending money on clothes, but I really needed to. 
• And, in the last half an hour, I've actually felt hungry.

It occurred to me about an hour ago that I put pressure on myself to do things that I really shouldn't. I should worry that I miss a day of reading a book, or that I didn't get my room tidied today. Maybe I should make a list of the things that, if neglected, actually merit guilt. (Singing practice, piano practice, walking the dog...)

Paranoia

My friend Emma recently pointed out to me that as singers, we are so vulnerable to any change in our bodies. I remarked that absolutely every singer has at least one thing that causes them trouble. For me it's my sinuses and throat. For someone else it might be athsma or tension or old muscle injuries. Every one has one thing.

I think this breeds some paranoia. If we know that the tiniest thing going wrong can ruin us, we start to worry about it until we have to be talked down.

Right now I'm convinced I have laryngitis. Just because I feel like I've had a lump in my throat for about two weeks. "Laryngitis?!" I hear you cry. "Isn't that a SLIGHT over-reaction?"

WELL NO. I'm just a leetle bit worried that my throat is doing anything out of the ordinary four weeks before my deluge of rehearsals, concerts and auditions begin. You expect me not to freak out?! Well then you need to send me some singing and ear-nose-throat specialists STAT because that is the only thing that will calm me down.

As it stands I'm drinking buckets of the above "Yogi Throat Comfort Tea." Today I had to replenish my stock and buy two new boxes. I'm sipping it as I type. I'm convinced that if I drink enough of it, the mysterious larynx lump will go away and I'll be able to reach that C6 with ease and grace. A girl can dream.

Today I mentally started writing letters to anyone who might be able to figure out what this weird feeling is.

If it were laryngitis, it would hurt right?

Gah! It's so frustrating! I'm not hoarse and my singing's not impaired but I haven't practiced any of my songs since Wednesday because I'm PARANOID that maybe I've inflicted some terrible irreversible injury on myself, of developed vocal nodules/nodes. Nooooo! A singer's worst nightmare! Let's not even go there!

Right, I'm going to make another cup of throat comfort and go to bed with my programme from the Wexford Opera Festival. Hopefully when I wake up I'll be a bit more rational. Or maybe I'll actually start writing those letters.

Goodnight. xxx