"I Can Never Leave The Past Behind"

My hair was MADE for the 80s.

2012 began with a trip to the 1980s. My friend Estelle had an 80s themed hen party in Clonakilty, West Cork. It was definitely the most fun hen party I have attended! Everyone was lovely, we played games like "make a dress out of toilet paper" and hit the various bars in Clon. I must say, it was much more fun than a night out in Cork, which is always crowded, loud and generally yucky. We accidentally wandered into a 1920s themed club, which was SO MUCH FUN!

This was my background ALL YEAR :)

Of course, next I had to claim back the limelight for my birthday party in mid-January. I was so lucky that so many of my friends traveled from the UK to come and dress up as Disney characters in this house we rented for the weekend. At the time, my ickly doggie Millie was on the cusp of death, which did rather make things more stressful for me, but I still feel so privileged that my friends came and spent the weekend with me!

It was in February that Conor and Estelle got married - what a fabulous day! There was a TONNE of music, from a long lost Baroque hymn to a metal cover band. My sister, Alison played the cello and I made the cake. I can hardly believe it's been nearly a year since the wedding! The cake took three days to make and was comprised of 120 chocolate and red velvet cupcakes, plus one giant cupcake at the top and I made myself a cupcake print dress to wear on the day. Conor and Estelle are such a lovely couple and have so many wonderful friends! A great day was had by all. 

Also in this month, Alison and I went to Cobh to enjoy a night of free dinner and free accommodation thanks to a prize Alison had won! We went to Gilberts and ate until we could eat no more before falling into bed and eating breakfast in their penthouse the following morning!

In March, the inimitable Miss Ellie Murray turned the big one-eight! For a few days, our group entered the episode of Gavin & Stacey which has, up to very recently, been Ellie's life. It was there that Ellie and I embarked upon a walk to Costa, wrote a violin part for our song about Sherlock, watched Father Ted before rocking up to a rugby club to boogie the night away for her birthday party. Pam and Mick took us out for dinner and treated me to a very British pie in a pub. It was delicious. :) 

The in the days after the party, Ellie brought us to Cheshire to a tea room that was IN a cathedral. Not in a room in a cathedral - the WHOLE cathedral was a tea room! I gasped. It was amazing and shocking!

Creepy Amy clone.

We also went to 'The Lady Lever' for tea and a cake. It was there that Kylie and I shared one of my top cakes of 2012 - a delicious carrot cake. (Ellie and Cathrin shared a "chocolate cloud cake" which was also very impressive.) It was here that I came across the painting to the right, which looks UPSETTINGLY like me as a child. I showed the picture to my dad and sister upon returning home and both are as astonished and weirded out as I am. I feel like Homer in the episode with Mr Sparkle...

Torc Waterfall, Killarney.

Martha took a short trip to Killarney in April. It was there that I went on a run that is, to this day, the most special and beautiful run I have experienced. I went just after the sun came up, it was cold, crisp and dry and I ran around a lake into Muckross grounds. There were so many trees and fields, and it was just serenely quiet. On the way back to where we were staying, I walked through the ruins of an old chapel and grave yard that was dappled in sunlight through the trees. Even though I know it was public, it felt so hidden and secret. Definitely one of my stand-out moments of 2012.

Later on that month, I began working in Bantry, West Cork. Bantry is far, far away and I taught there two days a week on top of my own teaching in Cork. It was such a strange place and so weird to go and stay in a B&B once a week but it was really fun to get to listen to podcasts and music, and to read in the time I wasn't working. I met a lot of very nice people there, too! :) When I arrived to teach piano, this sign was waiting for me! --->






In May, I was completely delighted to welcome two of my dearest friends, Kylie and Melinda to my home for a relaxing few days. We went into Cork and examined the wares for sale, drank hot chocolate and the introduced me to Spaced for the first time. I also invited them to a special tea party followed by a trip to see Avengers Assemble with Martha and Orla.

In June, so much happened! Far too much for me to recount here, but most of it occurred within one week. Bevin came from America and so we spent a week showing her some of the more more exciting parts of England - like London, Warwick Castle, London, Southend-On-Sea, London and some other places.

Emilieee ♥

Here is a picture taken directly after the moment I got a phone call saying I was being offered a place in 3rd year of a BMus performance degree programme. So glad I was with my friends when it happened! :) It was at approximately the same time that we saw the Olympic flame run past the window, too!

Ellie at Electric for a scone and a spot of knitting.

I was so happy in July because Ellie-Murray came to stay with me for four days! We sat down, we ate yoghurts, we went to see Dark Knight Rises, we went shopping, to Blarney Castle, we drank tea. It was a jolly lovely holiday. We even went to the Cork Food Festival and toured the food, eating our way around Cork, essentially, and basking in the evening sun.

At the end of July (the 31st, to be specific!) Lucy, Mel, Emilie and I went to Leavesden Studios for Harry's birthday. It was lovely, we got to see all the beautiful props from the films and it was awe-inspiring to see even that small portion of all the work that went into the films. At the same time, Lucy and I shot a video for LeakyCon 2012 which meant that by the time the tour was over, we really NEEDED to go to TGI Friday for a cocktail. ;) Emilie kindly invited me to stay with her while in London, and I got to experience London during the Olympics (It was weird and quiet!)

Post launch party, the support team has a breather.

Immediately after our Harry Potter adventure (in August,) I took a train to Macclesfield to stay with Laura and Cathrin for their birthdays. They were also releasing their first Goodnight Astor album. We had a lovely few days of watching Gavin and Stacy and listening to the musical hits of the 80s, 90s and 00s before their show.









Apart from going back to college, September was an important month for me and a few of my friends, as we were fortunate enough to go to the launch of The Casual Vacancy. After an interview and Q&A, the occupants of the Southbank Centre were able to meet J.K. Rowling to have their books signed. Here is the seemingly rather innocuous of the very thing occurring...




October was a whirlwind of college work and teaching. I joined the 21st century and bought an iPhone.

On the 30th of November to the 2nd of December my friends and I travelled to Edinburgh for the Snow Ball and Lucy's 30th birthday. We dressed up as action heroes and villains for Lucy's birthday.

The next day, we went to the Snow Ball. Laura, Cathrin and I were performing with Harry and the Potters, Riddle TM and the Pumpkin Pasties.

Happy New Year everyone! I hope your year was fabulous and you're all ready for 2013! I'm going to have to go off and think about my new year's resolutions! One will definitely be to blog more! :)

x

New Beginning and JOY

SOON I WILL BE A BETTER SINGERER!!!

I posted a while back about starting singing with a new teacher, and how she encouraged me to apply for various courses immediately. Well, I did! And I was accepted straight into the third year of a four-year Bachelor of Music (Hons)! It was a bit of a whirlwind of practice, new repertoire and technique and working very, very hard indeed and I am currently delighted, daunted and rearing to go!

The last two days have been induction talks with first years, and the one other lady in my position. Unlike the first time I went to university (I have a BA in Music and Drama and Theatre Studies), I've just felt incredibly privileged to be able to attend this college. That's not to say that I wasn't excited and full of wonder the first time around - I definitely was! Arguably, the last few years of working, singing and trying to make a living have taught me just how vitally important the right degree is.

This time I'm attending a conservatoire, as opposed to a university. This means that the focus is on performance, and only people who are serious about pursuing a career in performance are studying there. The difference, even in the induction days, is wonderful! The staff have been extremely clear on all aspects of student life at the college, and there appears to be an excellent pastoral care system. The timetable is FULL and the onus is on the individual to plan their practice times. There was a good talk about how to maximise your practice times. Once I've gotten into a groove again after the summer, I may write a bit about this.

It's so nice to be around musicians! There was a lovely moment today when we were brought to the library for a little tour. At the end the librarian said that we could go upstairs to look at the sheet music for our individual instruments and so we all proceeded calmly up the stairs... but once we got to the top, we all practically RAN to our sections and all that could be heard were 'squees' and 'aws' and excitement! It is the first time that I have ever witnessed anyone having the same reaction that I do to sheet music! The singers and I paced up and down the vocal and opera sections in jubilation, pulling out our favourites and potential new favourites to show each other!

I made a song! Have it for free!

The last few weeks have been different! I spent a week in England with friends seeing all of the touristy parts of London that I'd never actually seen before. It was definitely different to see the city from that point view, instead of just somewhere I have to be for a show or event.

Ellie and I pose by Tower Bridge after a rainy production of Henry V in the Globe!

Since then, I've been recovering from the dreaded strep throat and hosting the above Ellie for a few days of fun here in Cork.

While I was in Southend-On-Sea, I got a phone call from a university I'd auditioned for. They offered me a place in 3rd year of the four-year degree programme! Back to college - woooooooohhhmygod. Delight and apprehension are flooding me! Think of all the new stationary that awaits....

In order to keep myself from going nuts with trying to imagine myself back in college, I've been trying to stay creative. Last week, I collaborated on a song with Belfast musician, Martin Byrne. The song is free to download, so please have a listen! It's freeeee and I really like it!

Martin is a composer who created a project last year called "Song a Day for a Year" (SADFAY). I featured on his October album then, and this year he's making a Song a Week for a Year (SAWFAY.) Both are incredible projects and it's interesting to see how versatile the styles of music that he comes up with are, considering the time scale he works to.

Obligatory visit to Blarney Castle

Crochet, flowers and summer time!

St. Brigid Anemones

Huge weights have been lifted off my chest. Tonight I feel lighter and less restricted than I have in months. As of today I'm down to teaching one day per week until the end of June, though I'm still studying and going to lessons for various music exams and auditions coming up.

The decision to fill this summer with as few travel plans as possible came quite naturally after an intensely busy travel year last year. Since Christmas I've sorely felt the need of a nice quiet sit down on my own. There will, of course be adventures with friends in the UK, but for my health and sanity, I need a few weeks of calm, baking and crafting.

My fabulous Cork KnitUp group has begun again after a slow start to the year and I am enjoying it so much! About two weeks ago, the lovely Hilary taught me to crochet and it's really pulled me though these tough final weeks of work.
On Saturday we had our biggest turn out yet with around eight crafters coming! I'm really looking forward to the group every Saturday and it's motivating me to finish projects!

For my birthday I was given a Cath Kidston crochet cusion kit by my friend Orla so that's what I've mostly been working on for the last fortnight. I can't wait for it to be finished and on my bed. :)

Tonight after walking my dog, the neglected packets of seeds that I bought weeks ago called to me. I planted at least 48 sunflower seeds, lettuce, love-in-a-mist, cornflowers and nasturtiums as the sun went down (and the midges came out.) I'm loving the garden right now. The dozens of bulbs I planted in the spring are finally coming into bloom and it's so satisfying!! My herbs are doing really well too and all of the fruit bushes are heavy with unripe berries! 

Singing-wise, things seem to be going well. I had a lesson today,though I was quite worried about it beforehand because I didn't feel I'd done enough practice. I hate the feeling that I could have put more work in. This week was CRAZY with teaching and exams, though, so I really didn't have more time. This week I intend to put in consistent work every day. I'll need to do an hour every day of actual singing.

I find that when I'm out running, most of what I think about is singing. Posture, breathing, mouth shape, facial muscles, placement of breath, meanings of songs and ideas for compositions and concerts are all on my mind for the 50 minutes that I spend out of the house. I think that must be the reason why I'm improving despite not having enough time for long practices.

Having this week's lesson over with is contributing to my feeling of lightness. :) I am so content right now. It's late, but I don't have to be up for any particular reason in the morning, other than to run. :) Leisure!

How are your summers coming together, blog friends? Will they be chilled out, or jam-packed? (Mm...jam..)

Why I'm afraid of music lessons.

Every week when I go to my singing and music theory lessons I am scared. I think that any previous praise or positive sessions are the result of fluke and this time I will be told off for not working hard enough, or not doing something correctly.

Why is this?

For one thing, I have a theory that almost all music teachers are fickle and eccentric. Perhaps it's because they spent hours intensively working one-to-one with student and quite often find themselves repeating the same advice which rarely seems to be followed... As a music teacher - that would be one guess. Another possibility is that, as musicians, we're all a bit mental. You need to be to do this for a living.

For another, I never ever feel that I have put enough work in. Even when I practise as much as I can, I always feel (in singing) that I'm behind what I could achieve if I just put a bit more work in. The only answer to this is to work harder. In theory, I feel like I'm pretending that I know what I'm doing and it's all going to fall apart if I make a loud noise or move too suddenly.

Of course, there are always the scars of lessons past. When I was young and I didn't understand something, but it wasn't explained properly. That is the worst feeling in the world. Once when I was at university, I arrived to a singing lesson three minutes early and was told off for it. There was no way I could concentrate because the injustice stung so much. I didn't stay with that teacher for long. Another time, when I was still at school, I very seriously asked my friend to help me to break my arm so that I wouldn't have to go to my cello lesson.


In the end, though, it's informed the way I teach. I don't tell people off. I don't get angry because someone hasn't practised. Instead, I reward my student with stickers when they have done their practise, or if they impress me with their cooperation or concentration. I want them to associate their music lessons with happiness and being relaxed - not with dread.

Getting Caught Up

It's a metaphor. See?

Things all got a bit serious.

When I called up the singing teacher who I had been afraid to contact for two years, I got sucked into this singing vortex. During the first lesson, which is meant to be a consultation to see if the teacher likes my voice, she got very excited and decided that she would take me, and that I must apply for course X, Y and Z. I was send home with a few songs to study, some interesting new thoughts on vocal technique and a sense of utter bewilderment.

Mingled with the bewilderment, though, was the feeling that this was all correct. This was what I should be doing now. I should be working hard on my voice and body, saving up, learning and applying to courses.

It's true that I spend my days swinging dramatically (internally) from "YES! This is right! Everything's going to come together and it will be wonderful! The life I want is within my reach" to "WHAT AM I DOING, WHAT AM I DOING?! AGH!" Ultimately, no matter what the scared and confused part of my mind says, if I don't give it my best shot now and work hard I will spend the rest of my life wondering what it would have been like if I'd taken those steps.

There are no fantasies for me of being a massively famous, stadium-sell-out musician. I'm sure that would be nice, but what I really want in my life is stability and creativity. I want to be able to write, perform, teach and inspire while having a roof over my head (and some hens in the back garden. And there's a lot of cake in this dream life, too.)

I suppose what I'm getting at is: I do feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment with all this singing plus all the work that unexpectedly fell on top of me but I'm trying very hard to see to the end of June. Then I can celebrate what I have achieved and be proud and I can stay in bed all day or go into town and not feel guilty because it's the SUMMER.

Morgen by Richard Strauss

Every so often a song will come along that completely stuns me. Having looked through some very old singing volumes that belonged to my mother, it was suggested that I should study 'Morgen' by Richard Strauss.

This piece feels like it is holding and manipulating you. When I listen to it, I feel as though something is being held just out of my reach, something that I desperately love and want. Occasionally Strauss lets me imagine having it, only to whisk it away again out of my grasp. There is a forlorn sort of optimism to this song. The singer responds to the gentle dream like melody of the violin by opening with a strong and definite statement: 'And tomorrow the sun will shine again.' She goes on with a sense of optimism, but there's always a longing and a pleading behind the words, hidden in the music.

And tomorrow the sun will shine again
And on the way which I shall follow
She will again unite us lucky ones
As all around us the earth breathes in the sun
Slowly, silently, we will climb down
To the wide beach and the blue waves

When she begins, she interrupts the violin and he stops for a moment to listen to her before playing again. Occasionally he supports her, or echoes her, but sometimes he is playing a different melody. Maybe it's the sad one that she doesn't want to hear. It seems to me that when she reaches the end of this idealistic speech, she gets suddenly swept up in her reverie. The violin notices that she isn't with him anymore and follows her into her dream world. She is so displaced from the reality that she was in. The broken chords have turned to sustained ones, she is almost drifting on clouds of music.

In silence, we will look in each other's eyes
And the mute stillness of happiness will sink upon us

In this section, she lifts the music up step by step, as though willing the sun to rise faster as she watches it. She can clearly see the moment that she will be happy in front of her. She almost trails off, discordant again as she was at the very beginning - although this time it is a peaceful, resolved sort of definite that she inhabits now. Without any resistance, she waits for the dawn while the violin plays.

A personal blog that no one needs to read.

My new motto is "GET SHIT DONE!!" Just like that, in a shouty voice with exclamation marks.

This blog has been rather sparse of late, owing to my complete incapacity to deal with life, work, body, family AND internet. The whole ensemble was not working out and something just had to give.

Life:
Oh life! What a funny thing you are. Occasionally I think I have things figured out and the path before me seems crystal clear. Then I have a sudden bout of self doubt, financial doubt or confusion and I'm back to where I started. Right now I have arrived back at where I started and where I KEEP arriving: singing.

It's time to get on that road. The singing road. The next 1.5 years are for getting into any possible singing situation that I can, getting back to lessons and applying everywhere imaginable.

Work:
Teaching music. I am inclined to really, really enjoy it. However, it's something I'd like to do alongside singing professionally. So, for now, I'm going to work and save, sacrifice moving out and cut down on using my car, so that I can save enough to go to the UK or wherever I can sing.

Body:
Abridged version: Many pains - much physical therapy - getting better. Tomorrow I'll be starting week 4 of Couch-To-5K and I am absolutely thrilled! I'm still eating too much cake, but that ends tomorrow.

The Very Cusp!

Classy. 

This Christmas has been stupidly decadent. Every single one of my lovely students gave me chocolate and I ate ALL OF THEM. (I shared, don't worry.) It was foolish. And delicious. I also spent a lot of if watching DVDs and meeting friends, recuperating and hopefully getting the coming year's illnesses out of my system. (Wishful thinking.)

Since we hit 2012, I've been on a family trip to Northern Ireland and on a hen weekend. I must say, Miss Estelle (far left) and her friends know how to have a good time. We dressed up in 80s garb and pub crawled in a West Cork village, much to the bemusement of the locals. One of the bars we shimmied into had a 20s theme. That was fun.

A lot of people have been talking about New Year's Resolutions. Bleh.

As much and I have thought and written about it (by hand), I know that nothing is real until tomorrow - the first day back to school!  So it's totally fine that I ate ten Celebrations earlier. And that I've not sung or done any exercise today.

My resolutions are as follows:

1. SING MORE - write and record songs, post them. Singing is the most important thing ever. However, on this, the cusp of the new year, I have a sore throat, so that leads onto...

2. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK - you don't have to be on form all the time. Sing through the bad times, but don't record them. I just recorded myself singing 'My Funny Valentine' with a chest and throat infection. "Why?!" I hear you ask. Guilt. I felt I hadn't done anything singing-constructive in ages so I recorded some songs. Whatever, it's all a learning experience. I can only improve.

3. EXERCISE - every day. Get toned. Good times.

4. BE MORE POSITIVE - stop talking about situations and people in a negative way. Let it all breeze past you unless really need to get it off your chest.


5. LESS INTERNET - limit Facebook and Twitter. I am just the worst person when it comes to frittering time away online. I never get anything done. It must stop.

Pro.

Amy, please be professional. I don't know if you think about it enough in your singing. Be professional. Try not to be too bossy. :S

I think I am professional. It's how I roll? But I won't be running this show, for once.

For the Future.

Just a few thoughts before I turn off the light.

1. ALWAYS be humble. Don't ever do it in a false way. You are the same as everyone else, remember that. In fact, most people are actually better than you at most things.

2. Always be nice. No matter how much someone or something is irritating you to the point of explosion, save it for when you are in private with someone you trust. Get it out, get over it, move on. If you're mean in public it will come back to bite you in the ass.

3. Don't be someone you're not. Just stick to you.

4. Distractions are just that. You don't need to keep up with things on TV or YouTube - they just distract you from more important things.

5. Sing more. Sing always. Don't stop singing.

Seriously?

An example of a time I wanted to be taken seriously

I am quite confident that I don't take myself too seriously. As I go about my life I literally police myself about it. Recently though, I've worried that I try too hard not to take myself seriously. Perhaps I should start, because if I don't, who will. It's possibly a symptom of what we in Ireland consider a very Irish mentality. We don't like to make it seem like we're anything out of the ordinary. We would like to make it seem that what we do or what we have achieved is just a trifle, that it was nothing. And if anyone acts like they worked hard for what they have, we consider them to be snobs and tend to be suspicious of them.

"Ireland is a nation of begrudgers," is a phrase that is tossed around quite freely here. And it's true. And I often worry that if I were to just explode my sense of containment, to say the really arty, stupid things that come into my head, people would think that I'm assuming another personality and doing it for attention. The reason I've been thinking about it more recently is because I want to be an artist. There is, obviously, a type of artist that is very coy and cunning about everything that they say. I would at least enjoy a period of unpoliced freedom to say and create whatever I like.

I'm always drawn to song-writers who don't follow the rules. Marina and the Diamonds, Regina Spektor, Elbow, Florence and the Machine, Lily Allen. In art class at school, I used to detest when I was making something I was excited about and my teacher would tell me how to fix it and what I shouldn't do. It's that age-old argument of "What is art?" At that point I just wanted the freedom to explore my abilities and what worked and what didn't.

That's what I want now. I'm writing all these slightly absurd lyrics. (One song is actually inspired by the Absurdest play "The Sandbox" by Albee.) And songs about the change that has happened, the way I understand my brain, the people I know and how I feel about what's occurring (<---pop reference!) Even though the speed at which I'm turning out complete songs isn't what I'd hoped, I'm still getting into the lyrics which I always found the hardest part.

In the end, if I start Tweeting or blogging completely teenage things and just seeming a bit pretentious, please don't hate me. I probably won't even get past my self-preservation reflex anyway, but I thought I'd just jot it down... in case.

Bumpy Road

I am extremely unwell. All my energy today went into doing work-work. (As opposed to work.) At the moment I am going to concentrate on battling this chest, throat and sinus infection. But hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to write again. Listening to myself rasping on the last two recordings is driving me around the twist!


Naturally I'm really inspired at this time of not being able to write. ;)

I am enjoying this spoon's face.

<3

Song of the Provinces

On Wednesday (28th April) the choir I sing in, the Fleischmann Choir, opened the Cork International Choral Festival with the Cork School of Music Orchestra. Under the leadership of our conductor Dr. Geoff Spratt we performed Song of the Provinces, a piece written by Professor Aloys Fleischmann himself.

The wonderful thing about this musical work is that it requires audience participation. After the melody is taught, the audience must join in with the choir several times. It's amazing how it came together on the night. Putting it together with the frankly EPIC orchestral accompaniment in rehearsals was one thing, but to hear the audience join in for the main melody was just unbelievable. It gave me shivers and I couldn't keep the grin from my face.

I think Prof. Fleischmann was there in spirit, singing with us. He had admirable views on the importance of choirs in communities and it's undeniable that the the sense of community in the City Hall on Wednesday was at its strongest while everyone sang together.

Below is the video of the performance. Watch Geoff conduct the audience, I love that!

Plans.

This is not how I thought my life would go. Things were meant to be easy. I was going to be "discovered." Whirlwind adventures, amazing loves, fabulous friends. Coffee cups and scarves and studios.

Let's just say it didn't go according to plan. But what do I do now? I fashioned a little life for myself. A little life. A little singing, a little writing, a little traveling. But I want BIG! I want GIANT! I want FAST! I want NOW!

Distraction is a big problem. Something jumps in front of me and I have to look at it. I'm like a seven-year-old. I need to knuckle down. What a waste. Formulating a complete thought is not exactly something I'm overly familiar with. It's not exactly a surprise that I've never followed anything through.

Maybe there's too much to do. Maybe I need to do one thing and just DO IT. I have too many interests. There are things I can see myself doing: writing, singing, organizing, performing. But not just one. All. Has to be all.

It has to be all.

Comfort.

I have a confession to make. I can't believe I'm saying this...

I haven't been for a singing lesson/done anything singy in... nearly three months. Since the 10th December 2009. I haven't had a singing lesson since last year. Ohhhh let me explain.

On the 22nd November, I was involved in a recital. It was a selection of my singing teacher's favourite students for friends and family. I, of course, was delighted to have the chance to sing! However, my singing teacher loaded an aria on me that I didn't think I was ready for. So for a few weeks, my self-imposed singing routine was regimented. I didn't eat dairy, I warmed up, breaked, rehearsed and was paranoid about not exerting my voice. By the time the concert came, I was ready to take a break from singing. I pulled off the aria and it was all fine and dandy on that front, thank God.

Now, let me just underline that I understand that practice has to be done every day. I understand that if I were a professional opera singer, or any kind of singer really, I would have to be strict in my routine. I suppose my problem is that I didn't feel ready for that aria. There was a B in it that, despite being able to sing, wasn't audience-ready in my opinion.

(After this I did an audition for a musical theatre college in London, but that was a bit of a lark really!)

After a conversation with a friend the other night about her observations in a singing competition, I've come to a realisation. She, wonderfully insightful person that she is, said that she noticed the following:

In a performance it's not about having the biggest aria. It's about singing the song that you have to its best. To your own best. It's not about who sings the highest note, it's about the musicality and performance of a song you're completely comfortable with.

Maybe it sounds obvious. But then again, it probably depends on what you've learned. In the shows and competition I've done, it's always been about singing something new and scary and daunting. This. Makes. No. Sense.

Case and point: my falling out after the November concert. It just completely turned me off for a while. It made singing unenjoyable and ultimately, I still wasn't comfortable singing that aria in front of a load of people. It came at a weird time too, where I knew I needed to switch singing teacher. I'm still searching for a new one. It's frustrating. I think I'm actually desperate.

But this new revelation has totally changed my view of competitions/performances. Amazing.

Taci! Taci!

On the Sky Arts channel on Saturday there appeared to be some sort of opera marathon. I came in for a bit and watched a documentary on Caffé Taci in New York City. It's a restaurant that has regular opera nights. Singers come and serenade the diners once a week. It sounds amazing. I would so love to sing or eat there. Or both. It seemed so lovely - such a warm and understanding, supportive atmosphere. I wish we had something like that here in Cork. It would be amazing to be able to have somewhere to perform frequently if we liked. I wonder if anyone would come. I'd say they would - there appears to be quite a devoted opera following in Cork. Imagine an open mic opera night!! Amazing!!

If only I could snap my fingers and hop of a flight to New York. I could do a musical tour of the city and go to Broadway and Julliard and Café Taci and the Metropolitan Opera. I need to do this.

Excuse me while I tell ever single one of my New Yorker friends about Caffé Taci.

Romanze

Yesterday I bought an album on iTunes. It was a special occasion because I'd just bought one of those iTunes gift cards for myself with the first 'spare' money I've had in a few weeks. The idea was that I would purchase a few different recordings of the songs I'm singing at a recital at the end of November.

My search led me to Akiki Nakijima, an operatic soprano whom I had never heard of. Having listened to a few samples of the album, "La Pastorella," I decided to buy the whole thing.

You know when you get a new album and you kind of listen to the start of every track, flicking through to see if anything grabs you?

Oh God.

"Romanze Ich Schleiche Bang Und Still Herum." By Franz Schubert. Track 7.

It is so beautiful that I am having a very hard time believing that I've never heard it before. It is incredible. I can't find it on YouTube and I can't find a translation on Google. But I can't stop listening to it. Nakajima's voice is like a crystal bird. It's so clear, it soars, it's light, it flies. It's beautiful. There's something so delicately sad about this song, so wistful.

The arrangement of clarinet and piano for the opening is wonderful. The clarinet is played expertly by Peter Schmidl. It is so beautifully negotiated that it sounds like another voice, perhaps the voice of the soprano's lost love. It echos her and weaves around her, complimenting her but never over-powering her.

I love songs like this. Songs that are so wistful that you can just get completely lost in the feeling without understanding why.

Paranoia

My friend Emma recently pointed out to me that as singers, we are so vulnerable to any change in our bodies. I remarked that absolutely every singer has at least one thing that causes them trouble. For me it's my sinuses and throat. For someone else it might be athsma or tension or old muscle injuries. Every one has one thing.

I think this breeds some paranoia. If we know that the tiniest thing going wrong can ruin us, we start to worry about it until we have to be talked down.

Right now I'm convinced I have laryngitis. Just because I feel like I've had a lump in my throat for about two weeks. "Laryngitis?!" I hear you cry. "Isn't that a SLIGHT over-reaction?"

WELL NO. I'm just a leetle bit worried that my throat is doing anything out of the ordinary four weeks before my deluge of rehearsals, concerts and auditions begin. You expect me not to freak out?! Well then you need to send me some singing and ear-nose-throat specialists STAT because that is the only thing that will calm me down.

As it stands I'm drinking buckets of the above "Yogi Throat Comfort Tea." Today I had to replenish my stock and buy two new boxes. I'm sipping it as I type. I'm convinced that if I drink enough of it, the mysterious larynx lump will go away and I'll be able to reach that C6 with ease and grace. A girl can dream.

Today I mentally started writing letters to anyone who might be able to figure out what this weird feeling is.

If it were laryngitis, it would hurt right?

Gah! It's so frustrating! I'm not hoarse and my singing's not impaired but I haven't practiced any of my songs since Wednesday because I'm PARANOID that maybe I've inflicted some terrible irreversible injury on myself, of developed vocal nodules/nodes. Nooooo! A singer's worst nightmare! Let's not even go there!

Right, I'm going to make another cup of throat comfort and go to bed with my programme from the Wexford Opera Festival. Hopefully when I wake up I'll be a bit more rational. Or maybe I'll actually start writing those letters.

Goodnight. xxx

Singing.

Singing is my life. It's always been my life. I can remember being 4 years old and standing on a stool to sing 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow' for my grandparents. Every car journey, regardless of distance was spent singing along to cassettes in the back seat with my older sister. There is nothing that I have ever wanted to do more than perform.

When I was in third class, aged 9 years old, I stood up and volunteered for the first time to sing 'Land of the Silver Birch' publicly. (In front of my whole class) I will never forget the feeling that came straight afterwards. That infinitesimal stretch of silence between finishing a song and the applause that follows. It's heart wrenching and terrifying. You wonder why you just did that and if everyone now thinks you're an idiot and if they're going to laugh at your or just stay silent and stare in horror. Thankfully neither of those happened to me at the tender age of nine. In fact, that was the beginning of my school music career. That was when the teachers realised I could sing, and that was the year that I auditioned for the school choir.

For the next three years I relished every second that was spend singing, listening to music, learning about music... My only weak point was practicing my instruments, which I will undoubtedly delve into at another time. On reflection, the fascinating thing was that my family never really knew I felt like this, or that I had "a voice." That changed, I think, when I was in sixth class. I was 12 years old and the teachers put me singing something at the Christmas concert/mass. I think I sang 'Once In Royal David's City.' Afterwards, parents of other children came up to congratulate me and once I managed to reach my mother, she said "You never told us you could sing!" She was a music teacher and my mother so I took that as meaning "OH MY GOD YOU WERE AMAZING. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. YOU ARE THE BEST SINGER IN THE WORLD!!!"

And so I carried that with me into secondary school. Incidentally, I attended the school where my mother was the music teacher. This meant that I happily spent half of my secondary academic years in the music room singing in choirs, playing the 'cello and learning about Vivaldi and Jazz. The school knew me as a singer, because I didn't just restrict my musical activity to the music room, and because I was the music teacher's daughter and that comes with a legacy of its own.

I decided to study Music at university. Actually, I don't remember ever deciding to study music... I always just knew I was going there. That was almost a complete disaster, except that I found my singing teacher. I started to train my voice and appreciate singing classical music and opera as well as popular music and musical theatre.

I've since graduated. And I'm still studying my instrument, my voice with aspirations of being on stage, on TV, in a recording studio, on the radio and far, far more.

Starting to learn to sing properly is simultaneously wonderful and frustrating. It poses many more questions than it answers and every day your voice changes. It's a journey with puzzles and rewards along the way. I'm going to start properly blogging about singing here as often as possible.

It would be fantastic to hear from other singers and music lovers in the comments.

Amy~*~